A little more background on why I decided on a simple, atypical wedding. If it was not clear before, the traditional wedding is completely against what I wanted.
This is not to say I will sabotage or deliberately make the whole process a farce. I decided after accepting the proposal to make the wedding more of a pared down, no-fuss version of what would marginally pass for a traditional wedding banquet here in Singapore. But with character, reflecting L's, and my personalities.
I understood that it would be an uphill struggle, but today really tested my resolve. Of course I am aware that a traditional wedding is a social obligation, does it also mean that I am obligated to conduct a cookie cutter wedding? Whatever happened to "it is for the bride" and the constant reminders that the bride's decision is the most important as it is "her day"?
The pummelling started at the bridal fair last Friday. The main aim of bridal store salespersons is to push the highest priced package. Since I was clear on what I had in mind, I took the opportunity to educate myself on what to expect, e.g. bridal hair and make up packages, photography packages etc. I could deal with their shocked responses and their swift recoveries (with little to no success at saving throws) when I stated that I was going to sew my own (day) wedding dress, and I would do without flowers (allergies, I break out in hives easily), or when I appeared like an ignorant, stupid, bumbling old maid.
Heck, too often they mistook D to be the bride-to-be, surely nobody would want to marry the fat, ugly and frumpy middle aged woman that I am!
I could deal with all of that! In fact, it was water off this duck's back!!
But when family members and friends start expressing doubts regarding my abilities, it is really difficult to soldier on. It definitely is on my mind that I am bucking tradition by -not- wanting a traditional gown. So what? Haven't I already proven that I am an atypical Singaporean? How is this a surprise to anybody who knows me?
L's mom is doubtful of my sewing abilities, and it only bothered me slightly, because I did not want to embarrass her, of course. Also, she is a seamstress, naturally she would be skeptical of my amateurish sewing abilities. I'm not fazed by that, she has never seen any of my sewing and I feel she's justified in her worries. I, however, am confident of my own skills.
But I do have a back-up plan!!! Of -course- I would do some ground work first, if I can find a comfortable dress that would survive running around Singapore in (re: paying respect to L's father at Tuas where his ashes are interred), at a reasonable price and would not cause me to break out in ugly red welts or swell my eyes shut, sure! But what are the chances of that happening unless I splurge on a custom made dress which I never wanted in the first place? I can't justify that.
I -am- purchasing an evening dress for the dinner. Provided I can find one that suits my apple shaped body, that would cover my shoulder tattoo (his mom doesn't know yet, shhhhh) and will not cause me to break out in hives. I do not think me on antihistamines is a good idea for such an important occasion.
In short, I am only going to sew my own bohemian midi wedding dress =after= considering off the rack options. Which must not cost more than 300-400. And I refuse to purchase one online (re: oddly shaped body + urticaria).
Heck, I am even willing to fork out additional costs if necessary for trial make up sessions, just to ensure that my skin can tolerate being slathered with beige gunk -seeing as how I haven't used any foundation or proper make up since my early 20s!!!
Now, the flowers issue. Not only do I have to worry about hives, when it comes to flowers, I sometimes wind up with teary eyes and runny nose. Possible pollen allergies aside, I find the idea of carrying decaying floral sex organs around rather depressing. I like flowers where they belong, alive, amidst a large field or wherever they bloom. Serving their purpose, feeding bees or reproducing. You get my point. Okay, so why not fake flowers? Or greens? Eww, and ewwwwwww. I much prefer the abstract look of fabric flowers!
http://thenaturalweddingcompany.co.uk/blog/2011/11/romantic-handmade-bouquet-made-from-recycled-fabrics-and-old-world-details/
Just look at that beautimous (can you tell I'm a fan of honey boo boo?) creation! I could make that! To match my outfits too!! And I love DIY! AND BEADING. Whoever catches my bouquet better appreciate it hurrumph. I am all for purchasing real flowers for my family and my future in-laws if that is what they prefer!
But even this got a beat down by Ahma. UGH. yes yes, she is of that generation of negativity, but surely she understood that her granddaughter is "different"? And to think, she the one who constantly reminds me that I was a difficult and weird child-slash-woman!
That was the last straw for me. I haven't even gone into the real reason why I have to be married out from a hotel. Nor my anxieties over my weight. Or that growth above my eyelid. I broke down completely after hearing from L that his close friends offered to pay for whole day photography services. I was immensely touched by their generosity, but really upset that so much of my life revolved around avoiding the main issue. Which I still feel uncomfortable discussing in detail. Perhaps I will resolve this before the wedding. I am doubtful I will. :(
On a more positive note, I am extremely grateful to have nurtured love with L, and that he loves me enough, warts and baggage et al, to still want to marry me. And now that rant time is over, I shall sleep and work hard on planning the other 1001 details that is required for 20th September 2015.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Friday, October 3, 2014
Booking the venue
The first meet-the-parents session went pretty well. My mother left for an Australian trip mid-week, and we decided to go ahead with the dinner anyway, as there was less than a year to the wedding date, and seeing as how it's a supposedly auspicious date, we would be prudent to book a venue ASAP.
Dinner was at Soup Restaurant last Sunday, good thing a table was booked else we would have awkwardly stood around making small talk. Which would only be marginally more awkward than the actual dinner itself. Ahma came along and although the dinner was rather quiet, everyone seemed to enjoy the meal. Since there was a dinner queue, we decided to move to Lena's to have the discussion.
Honestly, we had already pretty much settled on the number of tables to book, the whole meet was us going through the motions. There was a little bit of laughter (relief!) as my dad raised the point that he was happy enough to see that we were lucky enough to find each other, and the wedding need not be complicated, marriage in itself is the reward. (I'm paraphrasing a lot here :P ) So most of the Chinese customs, like the dowry basket (huh?), fancy rituals and odd timings (double huh?) are not necessary. Tension dissipated after his gentle speech on his expectations, and we went back to our regular, boring lives as if it wasn't the 2nd most important dinner in my life. :E
I spent a couple of days looking through possible venues, hotel dinners were out as majority of the hotels required a minimum booking of 20 tables, and we were struggling to even fill 16 tables! We aren't the most sociable people either, but I come from a large extended family - Ahma has 11 other surviving siblings, and mom is the eldest of 6 surviving children. L's family is a lot smaller in comparison, so we'll see how it all sorts out.....
We settled on Qianxi group of restaurants, as the name was recommended by quite a number of friends and relatives. We also picked the mid-range menu, but opted to switch out shark's fin for fish maw soup. Placed the deposit, and the largest 'headache' was settled.
I now have to sort out the innumerable details for the Grand Day. Prior to meeting L to place the dinner venue deposit, I had met my bridesmaid, D, for lunch, and a walk through a bridal event held over this weekend at Vivocity. Oh boy, that was a stressful, though educational experience. Those salespersons are HARD CORE. Luckily, my mandarin was sub-par, so many of them were easily brushed off by my stammerings :P D helped me asked relevant questions, and translate many of their explanations.....but by then I was so worn out from having realized how little I knew about the process that I was still muddled when I met L.
Having slept over it, I think I will not take a package. I don't feel comfortable 'locked down', and after a cursory glance through freelance makeup artists (MUA) online, I feel comfortable knowing that what I want is not a difficult ask, and many local freelance MUA would be able to provide the service I require :)
Back to research.....zzzzzzzzzzzz
Dinner was at Soup Restaurant last Sunday, good thing a table was booked else we would have awkwardly stood around making small talk. Which would only be marginally more awkward than the actual dinner itself. Ahma came along and although the dinner was rather quiet, everyone seemed to enjoy the meal. Since there was a dinner queue, we decided to move to Lena's to have the discussion.
Honestly, we had already pretty much settled on the number of tables to book, the whole meet was us going through the motions. There was a little bit of laughter (relief!) as my dad raised the point that he was happy enough to see that we were lucky enough to find each other, and the wedding need not be complicated, marriage in itself is the reward. (I'm paraphrasing a lot here :P ) So most of the Chinese customs, like the dowry basket (huh?), fancy rituals and odd timings (double huh?) are not necessary. Tension dissipated after his gentle speech on his expectations, and we went back to our regular, boring lives as if it wasn't the 2nd most important dinner in my life. :E
I spent a couple of days looking through possible venues, hotel dinners were out as majority of the hotels required a minimum booking of 20 tables, and we were struggling to even fill 16 tables! We aren't the most sociable people either, but I come from a large extended family - Ahma has 11 other surviving siblings, and mom is the eldest of 6 surviving children. L's family is a lot smaller in comparison, so we'll see how it all sorts out.....
We settled on Qianxi group of restaurants, as the name was recommended by quite a number of friends and relatives. We also picked the mid-range menu, but opted to switch out shark's fin for fish maw soup. Placed the deposit, and the largest 'headache' was settled.
I now have to sort out the innumerable details for the Grand Day. Prior to meeting L to place the dinner venue deposit, I had met my bridesmaid, D, for lunch, and a walk through a bridal event held over this weekend at Vivocity. Oh boy, that was a stressful, though educational experience. Those salespersons are HARD CORE. Luckily, my mandarin was sub-par, so many of them were easily brushed off by my stammerings :P D helped me asked relevant questions, and translate many of their explanations.....but by then I was so worn out from having realized how little I knew about the process that I was still muddled when I met L.
Having slept over it, I think I will not take a package. I don't feel comfortable 'locked down', and after a cursory glance through freelance makeup artists (MUA) online, I feel comfortable knowing that what I want is not a difficult ask, and many local freelance MUA would be able to provide the service I require :)
Back to research.....zzzzzzzzzzzz
Sunday, September 21, 2014
moving along
Having a slight fever, feeling restless in bed, waiting on the paracetamol to do its thing. No better time to update this blog!
Aunt helped with the possible itinerary for The Day. She had plenty of facepalm moments as I displayed my utter ignorance towards the social obligations which come with lawfully unifying a Hainanese with a Hokkien. In my defense, dad appeared similarly clueless hurhurhur.
I found it all quite amusing. Her multiple expressions of exasperation tempted me to feign some ignorance, but she was doing me a huge favour and a traditional wedding is, in her words -and translated from mandarin- , "No Laughing Matter!"
Since the house is too small and messy to present to the world, further complicated by my mother's. ..shall we say, unpredictable behaviour, it was heavily suggested that the tea ceremony for the bride's family- and the bride be "brought over" to the groom's - from a hotel room. It is a delicate matter, this, and would add to the cost which I am keen on keeping as low as possible :( but no sense harping on the dismal situation, easier and faster to work on a solution.
The initial plan was to hold the traditional wedding banquet at a restaurant, but keeping in mind having to shuttle quite a number of senior citizens around, the hotel restaurant seems like a better option :( and if that is to be the case, it would be prudent of us to book the restaurant now, as The Day would be a little under a year from today! Augh!
Our fams will be meeting next weekend as a formality to suss out the number of tables to book. 8 tables on my side....Grandma and mom come from large families, and dad has 12 lifelong friends who cannot be omitted. Rightly so, I feel.
Now, I had no idea that it is customary to have the groom's family extend an offer of total tables for the bride's side, and the bride's side offer to pay for the remainder. I suppose this varies between the dialect groups, but it sort of makes sense as haggling seems to be an acceptable "polite" way of settling deals amidst the Chinese.
Also, in keeping up appearances, one can't just give away a daughter as if she were of little to no value?!?!?
Dowry wise, dad came up with a token number after a little persuasion from me, my persuasion stems from the fiancé stating it is necessary and important that my dad ask for a dowry, re: previous paragraph. Fiancé scoffed at the amount, and I was a little too feverish to ask if it were too high or low! Will check later. Hurrumph.
I'm sure some (if any) people reading this might view the whole process as rather gauche, even I am not comfortable with it. But in line with a generation who takes these customs seriously (grandma) and parents who are old enough to have performed these rituals, yet find no necessity to adhere strictly to them, it is a difficult necessity to find a balance to please our elders.
I am, after all, the oldest and only daughter, him being the oldest and only son, and last male descendant with his surname (as he often reminds me when I get overly whiny about all the fuss).
Well. There's a lot more to add, but this entry is getting too lengthy. Next update will probably be after The Negotiation.
Aunt helped with the possible itinerary for The Day. She had plenty of facepalm moments as I displayed my utter ignorance towards the social obligations which come with lawfully unifying a Hainanese with a Hokkien. In my defense, dad appeared similarly clueless hurhurhur.
I found it all quite amusing. Her multiple expressions of exasperation tempted me to feign some ignorance, but she was doing me a huge favour and a traditional wedding is, in her words -and translated from mandarin- , "No Laughing Matter!"
Since the house is too small and messy to present to the world, further complicated by my mother's. ..shall we say, unpredictable behaviour, it was heavily suggested that the tea ceremony for the bride's family- and the bride be "brought over" to the groom's - from a hotel room. It is a delicate matter, this, and would add to the cost which I am keen on keeping as low as possible :( but no sense harping on the dismal situation, easier and faster to work on a solution.
The initial plan was to hold the traditional wedding banquet at a restaurant, but keeping in mind having to shuttle quite a number of senior citizens around, the hotel restaurant seems like a better option :( and if that is to be the case, it would be prudent of us to book the restaurant now, as The Day would be a little under a year from today! Augh!
Our fams will be meeting next weekend as a formality to suss out the number of tables to book. 8 tables on my side....Grandma and mom come from large families, and dad has 12 lifelong friends who cannot be omitted. Rightly so, I feel.
Now, I had no idea that it is customary to have the groom's family extend an offer of total tables for the bride's side, and the bride's side offer to pay for the remainder. I suppose this varies between the dialect groups, but it sort of makes sense as haggling seems to be an acceptable "polite" way of settling deals amidst the Chinese.
Also, in keeping up appearances, one can't just give away a daughter as if she were of little to no value?!?!?
Dowry wise, dad came up with a token number after a little persuasion from me, my persuasion stems from the fiancé stating it is necessary and important that my dad ask for a dowry, re: previous paragraph. Fiancé scoffed at the amount, and I was a little too feverish to ask if it were too high or low! Will check later. Hurrumph.
I'm sure some (if any) people reading this might view the whole process as rather gauche, even I am not comfortable with it. But in line with a generation who takes these customs seriously (grandma) and parents who are old enough to have performed these rituals, yet find no necessity to adhere strictly to them, it is a difficult necessity to find a balance to please our elders.
I am, after all, the oldest and only daughter, him being the oldest and only son, and last male descendant with his surname (as he often reminds me when I get overly whiny about all the fuss).
Well. There's a lot more to add, but this entry is getting too lengthy. Next update will probably be after The Negotiation.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Happy Birthday!
Hello! My name is Cindy, also known as snowfern, and I am setting up a journal to document my preparations for a wedding tentatively set for the 20th of September 2015.
My fiance, hereforth known as "L", and I have been dating seriously since July 2005, and we are finally getting hitched!
I will be turning 38 this year, and yes, wedding planning is more than a little daunting as I have never been very sociable, and kept very few people close to me, and they aren't very conventional either. So why am I having to do all this?
The main reason is my future mother-in-law is very sociable, rather conservative, and very traditional, and it is her wish that her only son hold a Traditional Chinese Wedding. Although I can be very stubborn, I also can be very blase when it comes to social obligations. Since I will be living with her, I do not plan to ruin the 2nd half of my life over a....well, what I hope to be an easy and relatively painless social occasion. My family is probably just pleased that someone actually loves me enough to marry me *semi-sweet laughter*
The fiance is an easygoing being, and we plan to make the most of it, and I probably will go through some neurotic fits and anxieties, and in the spirit of 'making the most of it', keeping a positive and humorous attitude towards the preparation and FINAL MISSION by journaling all the important stuff.
I hope you enjoy reading my 'wedding' blog. :)
(also - happy birthday to L!)
My fiance, hereforth known as "L", and I have been dating seriously since July 2005, and we are finally getting hitched!
I will be turning 38 this year, and yes, wedding planning is more than a little daunting as I have never been very sociable, and kept very few people close to me, and they aren't very conventional either. So why am I having to do all this?
The main reason is my future mother-in-law is very sociable, rather conservative, and very traditional, and it is her wish that her only son hold a Traditional Chinese Wedding. Although I can be very stubborn, I also can be very blase when it comes to social obligations. Since I will be living with her, I do not plan to ruin the 2nd half of my life over a....well, what I hope to be an easy and relatively painless social occasion. My family is probably just pleased that someone actually loves me enough to marry me *semi-sweet laughter*
The fiance is an easygoing being, and we plan to make the most of it, and I probably will go through some neurotic fits and anxieties, and in the spirit of 'making the most of it', keeping a positive and humorous attitude towards the preparation and FINAL MISSION by journaling all the important stuff.
I hope you enjoy reading my 'wedding' blog. :)
(also - happy birthday to L!)
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