Dejected, but Undefeated

A little more background on why I decided on a simple,  atypical wedding. If it was not clear before, the traditional wedding is completely against what I wanted.

This is not to say I will sabotage or deliberately make the whole process a farce. I decided after accepting the proposal to make the wedding more of a pared down, no-fuss version of what would marginally pass for a traditional wedding banquet here in Singapore. But with character,  reflecting L's, and my personalities.

I understood that it would be an uphill struggle, but today really tested my resolve. Of course I am aware that a traditional wedding is a social obligation,  does it also mean that I am obligated to conduct a cookie cutter wedding? Whatever happened to "it is for the bride" and the constant reminders that the bride's decision is the most important as it is "her day"?

The pummelling started at the bridal fair last Friday. The main aim of bridal store salespersons is to push the highest priced package. Since I was clear on what I had in mind, I took the opportunity to educate myself on what to expect, e.g. bridal hair and make up packages, photography packages etc. I could deal with their shocked responses and their swift recoveries (with little to no success at saving throws) when I stated that I was going to sew my own (day) wedding dress, and I would do without flowers (allergies, I break out in hives easily), or when I appeared like an ignorant, stupid, bumbling old maid.

Heck, too often they mistook D to be the bride-to-be, surely nobody would want to marry the fat, ugly and frumpy middle aged woman that I am!

I could deal with all of that! In fact, it was water off this duck's back!!

But when family members and friends start expressing doubts regarding my abilities, it is really difficult to soldier on. It definitely is on my mind that I am bucking tradition by -not- wanting a traditional gown. So what? Haven't I already proven that I am an atypical Singaporean? How is this a surprise to anybody who knows me?

L's mom is doubtful of my sewing abilities, and it only bothered me slightly, because I did not want to embarrass her, of course. Also, she is a seamstress, naturally she would be skeptical of my amateurish sewing abilities. I'm not fazed by that, she has never seen any of my sewing and I feel she's justified in her worries. I, however, am confident of my own skills.

But I do have a back-up plan!!! Of -course- I would do some ground work first, if I can find a comfortable dress that would survive running around Singapore in (re: paying respect to L's father at Tuas where his ashes are interred), at a reasonable price and would not cause me to break out in ugly red welts or swell my eyes shut, sure! But what are the chances of that happening unless I splurge on a custom made dress which I never wanted in the first place? I can't justify that.

I -am- purchasing an evening dress for the dinner. Provided I can find one that suits my apple shaped body, that would cover my shoulder tattoo (his mom doesn't know yet, shhhhh) and will not cause me to break out in hives. I do not think me on antihistamines is a good idea for such an important occasion.

In short, I am only going to sew my own bohemian midi wedding dress =after= considering off the rack options. Which must not cost more than 300-400. And I refuse to purchase one online (re: oddly shaped body + urticaria).

Heck, I am even willing to fork out additional costs if necessary for trial make up sessions, just to ensure that my skin can tolerate being slathered with beige gunk -seeing as how I haven't used any foundation or proper make up since my early 20s!!!

Now, the flowers issue. Not only do I have to worry about hives, when it comes to flowers, I sometimes wind up with teary eyes and runny nose. Possible pollen allergies aside, I find the idea of carrying decaying floral sex organs around rather depressing. I like flowers where they belong, alive, amidst a large field or wherever they bloom. Serving their purpose, feeding bees or reproducing. You get my point. Okay, so why not fake flowers? Or greens? Eww, and ewwwwwww. I much prefer the abstract look of fabric flowers!

http://thenaturalweddingcompany.co.uk/blog/2011/11/romantic-handmade-bouquet-made-from-recycled-fabrics-and-old-world-details/

Just look at that beautimous (can you tell I'm a fan of honey boo boo?) creation! I could make that! To match my outfits too!! And I love DIY! AND BEADING. Whoever catches my bouquet better appreciate it hurrumph. I am all for purchasing real flowers for my family and my future in-laws if that is what they prefer!

But even this got a beat down by Ahma. UGH. yes yes, she is of that generation of negativity,  but surely she understood that her granddaughter is "different"? And to think, she the one who constantly reminds me that I was a difficult and weird child-slash-woman!

That was the last straw for me. I haven't even gone into the real reason why I have to be married out from a hotel. Nor my anxieties over my weight. Or that growth above my eyelid. I broke down completely after hearing from L that his close friends offered to pay for whole day photography services. I was immensely touched by their generosity,  but really upset that so much of my life revolved around avoiding the main issue. Which I still feel uncomfortable discussing in detail. Perhaps I will resolve this before the wedding. I am doubtful I will. :(

On a more positive note, I am extremely grateful to have nurtured love with L, and that he loves me enough, warts and baggage et al, to still want to marry me. And now that rant time is over, I shall sleep and work hard on planning the other 1001 details that is required for 20th September 2015.