The past year or so has been really trying. I now am down to perhaps, a -decent- 5-7 days pain free after shedding of the uterine linings each month. By the time the heavy pulls and numbness sets in, it takes a good 2-3 hours before the painkillers work. The doctor advised me to take the pills as soon as I feel as if the pains are coming, but hello, I am not psychic (nor do I believe in it anyway). No wonder House is as grumpy as he is, fictional character or no.
On my better days, I think that I should count my blessings, I have all my limbs, and at least I have relatively pain free days. On the really bad ones, where I'm left in a sobbing heap, I think, my master is cruel, to allow glimpses into what I could possibly do if I were without this constant gnawing, sometimes sharp, pulling pains. Not to mention the fatigue that accompanies it, the lack of a social life, a constant battle to stave off depression, etc etc.
I do sometimes feel shackled to my room, it is not the same if I chose to stay homebound. The same applies to my decision to not have kids (till now), but a hysterectomy as a cure for these ailments just seems so daunting. It is simply this - having the option taken away from me is more difficult to come to terms with. I joined a facebook group soon after I returned from the last visit to the gynae. I know what it's like to have to deal with a 'hidden illness' most of my life anyway, so this is just...a grim 'omake'. Reading about how other women, who have to work while coping with the pain, while I have the luxury of staying home, it has made me smack myself in the face and take steps to partake of activities to distract from the pain.
Not always successful. Social gatherings make me feel so apologetic for missing important events, tiresome explanations and excuses, with quizzical and even sometimes skeptical responses. Then I go into a "fuck-it-all-back-to-hermit-mode" to avoid having to keep explaining myself. I contend with the whole "they don't live in this body, and I don't owe anyone an explanation" defense and try to not indulge in self-pity. Swimming helps, if I am not in too much pain to go. Fighting the fatigue is a lot harder than ignoring the pains sometimes. Reading the FB support group reminds me daily that there is sort of a grim hope, which I can start considering seriously, in about 3 years. Which is how long I have decided to give my womb a chance to give us a child. I want a hysterectomy immediately after childbirth, though I'm unsure if any surgeon would allow that. hrm. I cannot fathom having to deal with this while caring for a baby. I don't envy those mothers.
I know I have been more snappy, quick to tantrums and it is no wonder isn't it? I like to think that my logic operators and very understanding and supporting friends, family and partner have kept me from ....idunno. /wristing? I'm no longer the emo, narcissistic teenager, but again, on bad days, I revert to that being I so detest.
Today is the fourth day I am wrestling with ovulation pains. It means, for the next 2 weeks or so until my next period is over, I have little choice but to pop naproxen, suniton, tramadol and hope they all work, at least for the unabating gnawing pains. The spasms, the constipation, the diarrhoea, the flatulance, the bloat, the colic pains, unpredictable, mistakenly diagnosed as IBS, those I've dealt with most of my life. But not every.fucking.day. That's not even addressing the uterine issues. Or more recently, the bladder pains. I can no longer hold my pee in, the longer I put off having to urinate, the worse the pains, to the point where I'm crying while peeing, it hurts that much. Not the urinary tract infection type of pain, more of the "fuck i think all my bladder and guts have fused to my womb" type, which is just. Whoopdee doo. Painless pooping is so rare that sometimes the fiancee would wonder why I am in an abnormally good mood, and I reply with a celebratory "Painless pooping" message. Having not much to celebrate, I take what I can.
Just needed to get this out. The painkillers are finally working, and I hope to put on the 'public face' so I can list some items so I can pay for a needless song-and-dance event to uphold some archaic 'face-saving' Chinese tradition.
fuuuuck.
(ok stoppit, you love him, and it's worth it. Repeat ad nauseum.)
/pitypartyover
(Oh yeah, I meant to update that I got myself a makeup artist, and I have also come to terms with the xanthelasma on my left eye. I have to live with it, you don't, get over it, or don't look at my face. It is your issue, not mine.)
/backtowork
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